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A, Hey

No one Loves Me

Posted on 2005.10.09 at 12:45
Current Mood: sadsad
Current Music: BOB MARLEY---is it love
Well today is mmds1975's birthday. In case no one knows he and I are both in rehab together along with like 80 other old as people. We are just the few who are 30 and under....well davids 30 today and im 25 but yeah. Im glad his parents came to see him and gave him a few items of clothes smokes and his mother made some good cup cakes that i got to try. Im really happy for him but its just another sad reminder that I dont have anyone to come see me. Im listening to BOB Marley now and its a song called is it love or something like that and I makes me cry because I once had love but I screwed it up by getting addicted to my medication my doctor put me on. Its like ive always hurt inside and the meds the doctor put me on only covered up my hurt and didnt fix it when i got off the meds. It always makes me cry that people get visitors and im stuck here to watch them be happy....its really fucking with my head. I went to an NA meeting yesterday and instead of listening to the speaker I was focused on this gorgeous girl sitting in front of me. She would look at me and smile and I could tell she wanted me to talk to her but I was too chicken to do it. Im really shy about going up to people I dont know and talking to them. I was rejected by my mom and fear rejection. Ive always had girls come up to me and talk to me but not the other way around. Well I left the meeting early and sat outside in the common area and the girl walked by me and my friend david said man shes checkin you out dude and I saw her look at me again but I let her keep walking away....Damn I should have said something because I need some affection badly. It doesnt even need to be sex just someone to hold and kiss. Another reason I didnt say anything is because technically Im still married. I havent heard from my wife in a long time so I guess it shouldnt matter but for some reason It mattered a little. God I hate this shit. Why cant I just learn like everyone else and do whats right. I figured 5 years in the army and going to combat would be good for me but it only made things worse for me. Now Im stuck in some place 1200 miles away from my dad. It was his birthday yesterday but when he called I made sure and not answered because I didnt want him to be reminded of how a son like his was a fuck up on his birthday. As im writing this someone tapped me and said my father called AGAIN. I dont know what to do. I really dont have anything to say. Im just here working the program and feeling sad everyday I wake up. God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change...the courage to change the things i can and the wisdom to know the difference.


coment bitches mmdrocks1975 at 2005-10-10 19:21 (UTC) (Link)

Balls Out

Balls out
My life is a slut
This dick don't hit the bottom
But I fuck the sides up!

I'm sorry that you are propably feeling the same way I am. Just because my family came and saw me doesn't mean that deep down inside I'm not broken and hurting too! My daughter wasn't there and she ain't never going to be at any of my other birthdays. Next time talk to the girl, fuck just say Hi! At least girls look at you! The only girls that look at me our nurses, chaplains, shrinks, therapists, probation officers, and deputies in the jail. I don't think there checking me out the way that girl was looking at you. They have to look at me because it is there fucking job and they need the fucking paycheck. My father had to come to a rehab to see his son, how do you think he feels when people ask were his son is? I bet all money that he is ashamed. The only time my Dad was proud of me was when I was in the Navy. Love is a feeling that is made for other people. I wasn't invited to this world. Love you Sean! Peace, I'm out this bitch. Hollar back! David
Sean Kraker
coment bitches voiceboxvandal at 2005-10-10 20:02 (UTC) (Link)

Re: Balls Out

well I know my dads ashamed of me and so many other people but thats why im going to do everything in my heart to make things right. Even if it doesnt change other peoples ideas about me...ill just know that Im doinng things right for me and if other people cant see that then fuck em. And dont say love is for other people cause I know damn well you love your daughter and she loved you. She wouldnt want you to keep ruining your life over what....stupid ass shit. Dave man its time to wake up and let things go and get yourself better so you can do the things you like. Yeah its going to be hard but so what you will get through it. If you can afford to buy drugs then you can afford someplace to live. Anyway man I talk to god about you and hopefully he hears me. I know you dont want to hear religious shit but think about how much jesus suffered and how god tested Job. Someone always has it worse my friend. anyway I love you too and not in any gay type of way so sorry to hurt your feelings agian j/k
coment bitches mmdrocks1975 at 2005-10-13 21:06 (UTC) (Link)

Hey bitch

Hey bitch are you ever going to write some new shit?
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