No one Loves MePosted on 2005.10.09 at 12:45
Current Mood: sad
Current Music: BOB MARLEY---is it love
Well today is mmds1975's birthday. In case no one knows he and I are both in rehab together along with like 80 other old as people. We are just the few who are 30 and under....well davids 30 today and im 25 but yeah. Im glad his parents came to see him and gave him a few items of clothes smokes and his mother made some good cup cakes that i got to try. Im really happy for him but its just another sad reminder that I dont have anyone to come see me. Im listening to BOB Marley now and its a song called is it love or something like that and I makes me cry because I once had love but I screwed it up by getting addicted to my medication my doctor put me on. Its like ive always hurt inside and the meds the doctor put me on only covered up my hurt and didnt fix it when i got off the meds. It always makes me cry that people get visitors and im stuck here to watch them be happy....its really fucking with my head. I went to an NA meeting yesterday and instead of listening to the speaker I was focused on this gorgeous girl sitting in front of me. She would look at me and smile and I could tell she wanted me to talk to her but I was too chicken to do it. Im really shy about going up to people I dont know and talking to them. I was rejected by my mom and fear rejection. Ive always had girls come up to me and talk to me but not the other way around. Well I left the meeting early and sat outside in the common area and the girl walked by me and my friend david said man shes checkin you out dude and I saw her look at me again but I let her keep walking away....Damn I should have said something because I need some affection badly. It doesnt even need to be sex just someone to hold and kiss. Another reason I didnt say anything is because technically Im still married. I havent heard from my wife in a long time so I guess it shouldnt matter but for some reason It mattered a little. God I hate this shit. Why cant I just learn like everyone else and do whats right. I figured 5 years in the army and going to combat would be good for me but it only made things worse for me. Now Im stuck in some place 1200 miles away from my dad. It was his birthday yesterday but when he called I made sure and not answered because I didnt want him to be reminded of how a son like his was a fuck up on his birthday. As im writing this someone tapped me and said my father called AGAIN. I dont know what to do. I really dont have anything to say. Im just here working the program and feeling sad everyday I wake up. God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change...the courage to change the things i can and the wisdom to know the difference.